I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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