omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need moral support for this bender
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
