Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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