Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
