Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
