Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
