Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
