Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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