I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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