someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
did i just pee glitter
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
