i just sent this text using only my big toe
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
