I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
