someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
