he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
