hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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