i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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