When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
