3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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