Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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