Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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