You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
