32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
