That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
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I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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