There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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