There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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