I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
