You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
