I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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