I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
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trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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