I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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