I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just gift wrapped bread.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
