I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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