I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
