Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my vag is so smooth its legendary
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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