i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
