what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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