I just threw up on my dentist
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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