Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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