Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
