He asked to "fluff my boner.."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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