I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
