On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
North Korea, Best Korea!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
