I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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