Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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