Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
