So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
