I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
