I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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