So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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