totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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