i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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