Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
